Coding is fun, imposter syndrome is not

I’ve been working on a personal project for the past couple months and I’ve realized that I really do love programming. Which sucks. Because I’ve been wanting to quit programming ever since I got into it. I feel like my life goes through these phases where I feel like I’ve struggled enough, I’ve given this career an honest try and maybe it’s time for something else. It happened in high school, it happened in college, and it’s happening now.

But then I have no idea what I want to do. All I want to do is program and solve problems. It sucks because I really want to be working in something I enjoy, but also don’t believe that I’m any good at and it’s really affecting my self-esteem.

I often daydream about what my life will be like in 5 years and how I’ve pulled myself together and am conquering real life problems. But it keeps me from the present, in which I’m less satisfied in.

On the plus side, the project I’m working on has been pretty frustrating. I love that. There’s something so satisfying about being frustrated at something and working through it and solving it. It’s a type of masochism that programmers go through, I suppose.

PS. I also worry that by complaining so much, I sound like I want to be pitied. Has blogging become so self-censored? I want to write my feelings, but I also don’t want to give off the wrong impression. Ugh.


Pushing people away

An alarming trend that I find myself doing is pushing people away when I’m not happy. This can be with friends, family, colleagues, and even strangers. It’s been happening a lot over the last few years because of my career, or lack of. I find myself feeling inadequate and questions like “How are things going with you?” increasingly difficult to answer. I feel like I have to explain myself, why I’m not working, why I don’t have a job, why am I a failure (this one is self-projected) and it’s hard. It’s really hard. As much as I believe people have the best intentions, it’s hard to revisit why things are the way they are.

And thus, I push people away. I avoid talking to people. I avoid social events. And it sucks. Isolating myself doesn’t make things better, but seeing people also gives me anxiety.

Anyone else feel this way? Is there a way to fix it?

three things

1. I find that blogging has become less about your feelings and more about what feelings you want to project to the world. Your name is attached to everything and it’s easy to trace back to you.

2. On the same vein, I have a lot of fears that one day I’ll write something that I’ll regret or something and it’ll be used against me. I feel really guarded about my online life because I’m scared it’ll ruin my real life.

3. Timehop has been really interesting. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed in the last few years. I feel like I’m a totally different person from the stuff that I used to post about. I wonder if a lot of “immature” people I meet on the internet will one day grow up and have different opinions. I mean, it’s bound to happen, right? People change. Sometimes I feel almost ashamed about what I used to be, but that’s stupid. I need to love myself, even though I don’t agree with things I used to anymore. It’s part of the growing process.

Three Things

I’m gonna try something new. Shorter random thoughts. :)

1. Working on personal projects is hard. You have to like it enough to keep working on it, but it’s so easy just to quit because no one is counting on you.

2. Javascript is the bane of my web development experience. It’s new and scary and confusing. Trying to be positive, but ugh. :P

3. When working on my personal project, everything else goes to shit: working out, doing chores, even eating. Getting sucked into one thing makes everything else pushed aside.